If i really need you, would you walk back through that door?

Ello :)

Friends - we all have them, we all can't live without them. But what actually defines a true friend? in my opinion it's loyalty and honesty - a true friend won't stab you in the back, a friend doesn't gossip about you or rat you out to other people- they can keep secrets, they support you in everything, they sacrifice things for you (e.g doing something they don't necessarily like because you like it). This blog post is going to explore what i define as a friend and whether i think i'm a good friend?

There are many quotes surrounding the definition of a true friend, which i'd like to share with you:

Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.- Jim Morrison

Má tá tú ag lorg cara gan locht, béidh tú gan cara go deo.
(If you're looking for a friend without a fault, you will be without a friend for ever)

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood. Luc`ius Annaeus Seneca

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness. Euripides 


Its hard to define a true friend as everybody has a different opinion as to what that is. To some it's loyalty, how long they've been with someone can affect how they define a friend; to others it is honesty, someone who is completely honest with you, someone who tells you everything that has been said about you because you would want to know, someone to tell you where you are going wrong or if you are heading in the wrong direction.

I've known some friends in my time who are certainly loyal but not all of them completely honest, they've said stuff about me behind my back, i admit i have gossiped in my time about people but i've never said a cruel word about them just stated facts or things that others have said, trying not to give names. And those "friends" i either cut them out of my life or if i can't do that surround myself with the people i refer to as true friends.


Unfortunately it is a natural thing particularly for girls to gossip, it's generational and it's in our nature, it's also extremely difficult to avoid nowadays but the best thing to do is to block out what everyone is saying when it comes to gossip or just plump in with a few yeahs and i get that as no one can twist it on you, you have never said anything negative about them. I tend to disclose myself from gossip of if i do gossip only gossip to those i trust and those who can keep secrets.


I recently found a quiz on psychologies called Are you a good friend? as i wanted to see whether i can consider myself to be one or not. Of course this doesn't undoubtably define if you are a good friend or not because that depends on personal opinion of your friends as to how they define true friendship.

Here are the results: 

You are empathetic

You make friends by being sensitive to the messages others give out so that you can be in tune with their emotions and take into account their point of view. Before you enter into a friendship, you like to ensure the other person is a good listener, since this inspires you with confidence. In such an environment of trust, intimate and emotional relationships thrive. Although your compassion and sensitivity are great when things are going well, they don’t serve you so well when there is conflict. Since you are so emotional, you find it hard to respond to criticism or attacks, especially from people you are close to. You tend to give your time, help or advice without expecting anything in return, which often means your sacrifices are not appreciated. You put other people’s needs ahead of your own, even if that means you suffer. You need to ask why others should take priority over you. In your childhood, did you have to expend a lot of energy to get love back? What criticisms or anger have you buried for fear of rejection? To get back to being the centre of your own world, you could learn how to please yourself (by listing, for example, the things you want to do but don’t allow yourself to) and how to receive gratefully everything from compliments to presents without necessarily being the first person to give something back.

For me, these results are highly accurate as stated previously in my Dear Future Self blog, i find i make a lot of sacrifices for other people meaning a lot of the time i suffer. Most of the time i have to ask my family to do the things i would rather do because some of my friends won't do it. They know me very well, they know what i like/dislike however that doesn't necessarily mean they will do things i would like to do.  As i have a large friendship group it can become difficult to do something that a couple of people want to do when no one else in the group wants to do it. If there is something i would like to do i tend to ask those who i know express similar interests or are more likely to go with me first and so far this year it has been working. As i have friends i have gained from work as well i hang out with them more, but i don't neglect the group i began with. I do spend a lot of time giving friends advice, support and comfort and genuinely i don't expect anything in return because it's the person i am, i don't want to see people upset and am very much a motherly figure to most of my friendship groups. I don't take criticism well from those close to me but it is mainly because i'm very sensitive and with previous events still quite fragile but i aim to make my skin a little thicker so i can take criticism. 

Upon improving myself as a friend, i think i need to be a little more selfish because i do feel left out at times as i conform to the group and it's not necessarily something i would like to do but because i want to see them i do it, by being a little bit more selfish i think my happiness would improve as i'll be doing things i like to do as well with the people i love. I also think i should thicken my skin and take on conflict and criticism a bit better as it's improvements it's not insults so i shouldn't take them on board as if they are. 

For those who know me, would you define me as a good friend?

And for those who don't, do you define yourself as a good friend? What do you think makes a good friend? And if you take the quiz, what were your results? Comment Below, i'd love to see your opinions.

Feel welcome to comment on any of my posts not just this one, i only ask for no hate comments, improvements are welcome. 

That's it for today! 

See you next time,
S xoxo

It isn't my Blood!

Ello:) 

Following on from my analysis of john Newman's Fire In Me - which was more successful than i thought it would be- i'm going to analyse yet another powerful, deep in meaning song of the past year or so. If you haven't guessed it already from the title - i'll be analysing Shawn Mendes' In My Blood. 

Shawn Mendes described this song as "the closest song to my heart that I’ve ever written" - based on his own personal experiences with anxiety and the pressures of fame - Mendes provides the world with a powerful song that describes everyone once in a while - an anthem for those who struggle with anxiety or other mental health issues - safe to say this is Mendes' most successful song to date. 

Once again like my previous music analysis - i will be analysing these lyrics based on thoughts and feelings of myself from both the past and present. I'm doing this series to showcase how meaningful some of modern day music can be and how relatable it is to everyone. Music is a powerful tool that can change your moods with a simple beat. it's something that some people do take for granted and listen to the beat rather than search into the lyrics. 

1/2 Chorus: Help me, it's like the walls are caving in

Sometimes I feel like giving up

But I just can't

It isn't in my blood

During the worst times of my anxiety, i felt so hopeless that i wanted to give up but i knew i couldn't give up, what would it achieve for me? nothing. There's a lot of strength in weakness and vice versa, the amount of times i cried and wanted to end it all showed me i was stronger than i thought. 

Verse 1: Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing

I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something

I could take to ease my mind slowly

Just have a drink and you'll feel better

Just take her home and you'll feel better

Keep telling me that it gets better

Does it ever?

Although i never turned to antidepressants or medicine as such. I used to take an awful lot of rescue remedy, which actually never helped my anxiety. Luckily with my mental state i've never turned to alcohol or drugs but i know a lot of people who have  its a coping mechanism for some people but its mainly a false one. A lot of people who turn to it think it will make them feel better and it does for a short while but in the long time it's just a distraction from their real feelings. in terms of the last two lines: "keep telling me that it gets better does it ever?", i've heard the phrase don't worry it will get better and yeah it does a little, it can become more managable but for some there is no light at the tunnel and although they may seem better on the outside the "walls are caving in" on them. It doesn't ever really get better but it does become more managable. 
  

Chorus: Help me, it's like the walls are caving in

Sometimes I feel like giving up

No medicine is strong enough

Someone help me

I'm crawling in my skin

Sometimes I feel like giving up

But I just can't

It isn't in my blood

It isn't in my blood

This cry for help is what everyone cries for. The amount of times when i was at my worst i cried for help, but it is difficult because especially for me they don't really understand. Its not "just a bad day" it's everyday, anxiety effects me everyday recently i've been really down- honestly have no idea why really i surround myself with good people but my thoughts just kept bringing me down. the thought of failure kept playing on my mind - and i'm still a little bit in that headspace right now. "Medicine" isn't strong enough to combat anxiety/depression its a short term basis. counseling can help with mental health but again that's mainly short term. Anxiety/ depression is incurable but it can be manageble. The only way we can do this is to not give up no matter whether the "walls are caving in" - you can't give up- the only person to help combat your thoughts and feelings is you. 

Verse 2: Looking through my phone again feeling anxious

Afraid to be alone again, I hate this

I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh

Is there somebody who could...

Social media is a big trigger for lots of people including me for anxiety and depression because social media is very much used for broadcasting yourself and people become jealous of you doing stuff and how you look and that leads them to have a negative impression of themselves. Yes you could decide not to be on social media at all but it will still be there in magazines, books, posters - anything can help trigger your negative thoughts. I felt very alone when my bullying first happened as the school secluded me from my classrooms as the bullies were in them, they were also friends with my friendship group so i had no one to hangout with  i felt as if i was in the wrong, i was the bully. if i do have a anxiety flare up as such i feel very alone in the world, i tend to cut off from the world and go into my own bubble. 

"Trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe"  is how i felt everyday in sixth form and how i feel a lot of the time. It's fair enough telling someone they need to chill/relax but it's more difficult than people think, there are thousands of thoughts and jobs to do in my head everyday i don't know what the word "relax" means truely. I've tried everything to try and relax and it's close to impossible, but i've found blogging helps relax me a little as i enjoy doing it, dance/sport helps as well as it gets a lot of stress and anxiety let out. But if things get on top of me or i have a bad day it can lead to me not being able to breathe, it leads to a panic attack. Panic attacks can be triggered by the smallest thing, if something has been moved on a to do list of mine because something else has priorities i can have a panic attack. 

Chorus

Bridge: I need somebody now

I need somebody now

Someone to help me out

I need somebody now

This is a cry for help. A cry we've all cried out for at some stage in our lives. I remember my first cry for help, i had a panic attack and was sent home from school in year 12-i turned to my mum sobbing my eyes out shouting how much i needed some help, i couldn't take it and i knew in my head my thoughts were becoming darker and suicidal, i didn't want my head to control me like that so i screamed for help. We then together approached about couselling and other mechanisms to cope, which helped for a short time and then i found a way to cope on my own- blogging was a big factor of my coping mechanism, it helps me to talk about it. 

1/2 Chorus

It isn't in my blood

It isn't in my blood

I need somebody now

It isn't in my blood

I need somebody now

It isn't in my blood

Again if you would like to read about my anxiety backstory you can read it here.

You can also see my analysing of John Newman's Fire in Me here.

That's it for today!

See you next time,

S xoxo

April Favourites

Ello :) 

Better Late than never - here are my April favourites!


Vanoss Gaming

I blame my friend Georgia for this one! We challenged each other to watch different youtubers we like to see whether we will broaden our horizons in the world of youtube. She recommended me I AM WILDCAT - who i love watching now however i'm not a big fan of fortnite so decided to take a break from wildcat's channel. As i still liked his videos i searched the rest of his friends he plays with and came across Vanoss - safe to say i'm hooked on his channel now. Still all of the humour from wildcat's videos but broader in terms of content.There are little short animations, which are hilarious and traditional gaming videos as well.

I particularly love his gang beasts video entitled dance battles - where he pretty much just messes about learning that he could dab in the game and not playing the game too seriously.  I highly recommend Vanoss gaming to anyone who likes gaming channels or even to those who would just like to laugh for a while as i've yet to come across a boring video of his.

Avengers: Infinity War 

No spoilers here - but i will eventually do a short review which will contain some spoilers (im sorry in advance). I've been waiting for this movie for too long and it didn't dissapoint although reflecting on past marvel movies i noticed a few strange anomilies in the film - like the change in Gamora's backstory. It was action packed from start to finish and safe to say rather emotional in parts. They found the perfect balance between making us laugh and making us cry but its safe to say i'm still not over it - and we have to wait a year before it's concluded.

Youth - Shawn Mendes ft Khalid 

Guess Again- Plan B

The Way I Am - Charlie Puth 

Strictly Ballroom: The Musical 

For my birthday i went to see a preview version of Strictly Ballroom - my favourite movie- on the west end in London. It was very entertaining and was true to the storyline.

However, in my mind i couldn't fully commit to calling it a musical as the only person who really did any singing was Will Young - who played the MC, a new character introduced for the musical production.

 Although the film/ musical is based around dance and is the key element to the piece  it would have been nice to hear more vocals from the rest of the cast. a review will come later  but i do recommend seeing it.

That's it for today!

See you next time,
S xoxo

Cos I've Still Got A Fire In Me

Ello :) 

So i'd thought i would do something a little different - as i like to keep things interesting on this blog- there's only so many tags i can take! Recently John Newman - who is one of my favourite musical artists- made a comeback with his hit song Fire In Me. Fire in Me struck an empowerment feeling in myself initially and then i looked closer into the lyrics and realised how deep this song can actually be and how it can reflect what i've been through in the past and how i feel i cope now with anxiety etc. 

I thought i could analyse Fire In Me in comparison to my past and present - as this may develop a higher understanding for the song out there for you guys and it also helps me to reflect. 

I won this signed Fire in Me Lyric sheet in a twitter competition! 

Lyrics: 
I'm starting with my intuition                                   
i'm starting with my strengths                                     
i'm getting back my old ambitions                               
and returning one again   

This reminds me of how i am now- i aim to gain the thoughts and feelings i had before i was bullied. To go back to being a confident, independent person, who was determined and strong willed before anything happened. I aim to gain back "my old ambitions".


My knuckles are so red and raw
from breaking down these walls 
i'm sick of all the others talk 
and the laughter of my fall 

I used to get so frustrated with my anxiety and i always maintained the fight instead of the flight response - i used to punch walls and then i'd go cry because i was so frustrated with myself and so stressed - i always felt i was going backwards and never going forwards in coping with my anxiety. And these lyrics reflect how i am now as i take the approach in ignoring the hate and abuse if i receive any - i'm sick of it, i'm sick of gossip - all my friends gossip we all do -i do too but if someone gossips to me about how much they hate someone or something i tend to let it fly over my head because it's rumours and gossip that cause the beginning of a downwards spiral for the person on the receiving end and it's not right.

i was a spark in the night but you drown me out 
so now i'll take the walls i'm inside and i'll burn them down 

This of accurate of how i was before i got bullied and suffered from anxiety - i was a relatively confident, independent person - i wasn't afraid to get my opinions out - but when everything happened i became a shell of the person i was - i was empty - constantly upset and miserable, extremely shy as i was scared i would always be judged. but now i use my anxiety as a strength i take it and combat it - i take these walls i feel trapped in and i always aim to just burn the walls down - and return to the person i was.


(Chorus): Cos i've still got a fire in me 
I never want to let it go( x2)
Cos i've still got a fire in me 

I've still got this determination, this fire, in me that helps combat when i'm feeling down or when i'm feeling anxious.

I've dealt with all my evils
and i ain't dealing with them twice
they'll never be a sequel 
the curtain will never rise 

I certainly have dealt with many evils and i don't intend to be in the state i was ever again - yes i have days where i'm upset or i'm stressed - everybody does - but i don't let it defeat me anymore - i'm never going back to the state i was 5/6 years ago where i couldn't cope with even the simplest tasks without crying or feeling incredibly anxious.


Although my body has been aching
i held on to the ropes 
i haven't left the ring yet 
and i won't be letting go 

This reminds me more of my past - although i was in a terrible mess with everything that was going on - i didn't give up - i never let go of the ropes no matter how much i was aching - i still had the determination to get through everything and luckily i did. It also reminds me of how i am now - i'm still very determined to stand up for myself more and to improve my ability to cope with my anxiety. i don't intend on letting it corrupt me - i intend to turn that weakness into a strength.

(Chorus) 

I was a spark in the night but you drown me out 
so now i'll take the walls i'm inside and i'll burn them down (x2)

(Chorus) 

End



If you would like to know my anxiety backstory you can read about it here.


That's it for today!

See you next time,
S xoxo

A Little Party Never Killed Nobody

Ello :)

So I had my lovely 21st birthday party on the 24th March. I thought i'd just do a little post  show some pictures and share some memories. So here goes...

My party was a red carpet theme-meaning boys and girls needed to wear formal attire similar to a prom or ball attire -however i was quite lenient with the dress code because not everyone has the money and/or time to buy a new suit or a new dress it can be expensive.

As my friends would know, when it came to the actual party itself,  i didn't leave the dancefloor. One of my friends thought i was drunk and i assure you guys i was actually stone cold sober-i did drink yes and yeah i drank a fair few but i was definitely sober- i remember everything that went on. I just love dancing so it was good to have the space to just get down and boogie.

There were some lovely highlight moments of the party:

1) Oops up side your head -now my mum requested this to be played and was at the front of the line but completely forgot what she was actually meant to do in the song haha.

2). Crazy in Love- i got front and centre for this doing my best beyonce and jamming with Teresa while she tried to rap the Jay Z part  unfortunately it was not captured on video.

3). My Brother jamming to Karma Chameleon- i put this song on my playlist for one specific reason  when my brother was younger he had a little ukulele and would jam out to this song non stop. I decided to buy some inflatable guitars  which were a big hit and gave one to my brother as this song came on and he just jammed out. once again sadly i did not capture this on video.

4). The Bad Touch-its my sister and i's favourite song to dance to based on the dance they do in the video  which we know off by heart. For this i grabbed my friend Emma so i could teach her the dance my friend Georgia did capture this on video but i am currently waiting for her to send it to me so sorry guys maybe next time

5). The Limo -this was the first time i had ever been in a limo and i adored it! it was so fun, we had sweets, balloons, champagne and jammed out to the likes of Despacito and There's nothing holding me back while we purused the city a couple of times!

To End this post i would like to show you some photos from the evening:

That's it for today!

See you next time,
S xoxo

March Favourites

Ello :) 

We are now in April and i've returned from a bit of a break, a break i didn't want to take!
So i thought maybe it is time to update you with the March favourites. There wasn't an awful lot of favourites in March, mainly because my main focus was my 21st party so i didn't have a lot of time to watch stuff and read etc.


Unsolved Crimes (infamous cases that have puzzled the greatest minds) by Sarah Herman

Now as you lot know i am obsessed with unsolved mysteries, thanks to the Buzzfeed Unsolved Boys and i recently bought this book i saw in The Works for £4,  Bargain! I had to buy it! The book has pretty much covered everything the unsolved crew have done so far by looking into the mysterious deaths of Tupac and Biggie Small, exploring the Valentine's massacre and trying to identify the zodiac killer. From this book i've had a few ideas as to making a little series on this blog on unsolved mysteries and doing some more research into these so stay tuned for that in the upcoming months!


John Newman  Fire In Me

Yes1 John Newman has made an epic comeback, releasing the amazing song Fire in Me! Fire in me combines a catchy rhythm with meaningful lyrics -the perfect combination. I love this song to the high heavens - it's fantastic! It reminds me of what i have been through with bullying and anxiety and how i've come back stronger and better because of it. I've decided as there are a few songs that i feel very much a strong link to i would also like to do a mini series on exploring these lyrics in comparison to myself, my past, present and future.



Shawn Mendes-new music

I completely lost my shit when i found out he was at Sundown festival this year  my local festival and bought tickets straight away! And then he goes and releases 2 new songs-well safe to say i was bursting with excitement. His two new releases were entitled Lost in Japan and In My Blood,  both are fantastic songs and they are completely different. Lost In Japan is very current with a smooth melody and a Justin Timberlake vibe. In My Blood is much more of a power ballad,  still very current with the likes of this is me from the greatest showman still in the charts. It explores anxiety and how it never really goes away but it doesn't mean you should give up.  It's a very empowering song, exploring that giving up isn't something you should think of and reflects upon Mendes' own anxiety issues in the past. Both fantastic songs-both songs you should listen to!

Rose Gold Home Decor

Currently my dressing room, yes i have 2 rooms to myself now, is under construction and i spent ages contemplating a colour scheme etc. I realised the majority of my little decor pieces were Zoella Lifestyle meaning they had the colour scheme of rose gold, pink, grey and white, which i thought was a really pretty combination, so i decided to go with that. That means i have been browsing the web for new lighting and little accessories for the room, which are in the colour scheme,  luckily rose gold is the trend at the moment so i've had no problem finding beautiful stuff to go in the room. I also like the wiring structure to these rose gold pieces as they look really modern and still fit with the needed class of the room.



Those are my March favourites! I hope soon that i will be able to get beck to the regular structure of twice a week soon- these past few weeks have been pretty hectic and i've struggled to find time to do blogging.

That's it for today!

See you next time,
S xoxo